Criminal Profile: 
Frank "Lung Weavils" Glodek

Description of Offenses: Fifteen time World Champion of the "Worst Facial Expression EVAR", as can be seen here in this gruesome, yet intriguing photo that net him the 2007 World Championship belt.

Frank, aka Lung Weavils, is often asked how he musters such concentration for a decisive win over tough competitors like, Jake "Brain Tooth" Glodek. In a candid interview "Lung Weavs" stunned reporters by turning his hideous face towards them, tilting his chin slightly upwards and saying, "Mhhhmmmmmmm, Mhhhmmmmmmmm, Mhmmmmmm", until everyone felt uncomfortable in their own pants.

Age: Twenty-Sevenz?
Other Championships: Halo 3 World Champion Titleship Belt
More Championships: Lousy Songwriter of the Year

Criminal Profile: 
Vanessa "Booty-Pants" Ortiz-Glodek

Description of Offenses: Creating urban sprawl in the bedroom with beauty products. Police reports have been filed to regulate the number of squatters who have moved into the temporary shelter of Vidal Sassoon hair-care.  Many are still at large and are considered armed and dangerous (to your hair). 

Booty-Pants is easy to recognize because of a severe, yet distinct, case of "Spontaneous Dancitis". She tries to inflict Dancitis on her loving and mountainous husband and often encourages him to, "Drop it like it's hot!", whatever that means.

She also has been known to exhibit signs of "Ortiz-Scowlitosis" and passed the dreaded condition to our niece Gabriella. The condition consists of lowering your brow to degree of "Scowliness" that was thought to have been eradicated in the late 19th century by Portuguese missionaries.

Age: 21 in booty years
Community Service Award: Habitat for Humanity
Ringtone: "...Apple bottom jeans, Boots wit' da fur (wit' da fur!)... 

"I like to party...with my party-face on! Uhn Uhn!"

 "And I like to party...like Mark Wahlberg!?"

Criminal Profile: 
Jake "Brain Tooth" Glodek

Description of Offenses: Beaten so badly by the Lung Weavil in heated (horny?) competition, the Brain Tooth now spends his days in the Red Cabin hospital ward blowing smoke bubbles until it's time for his medication (poor thing!)

In his hayday, he was regarded as the best video game player of 1000 generations, 998 of which had lived before video games were ever invented. BT estimates that he could have crushed older generations in games of the day, like "Throwing-rocks-at-stuff", "Sitting-around being-bored", and "We-have-no-electricity-so-let's-go- have-sex".

He likes picture books with 3 letter words, Miller High Life (The Champagne of Beers) and fondly reminiscing about small woodland creatures (with quills!). 

Age: 20-asshole
Smells Like : Rhubarb & elderberries
Undefeated Grand Champion: Monster Toe Crushing Competition

Criminal Profile: 
Ryan "I Like to Party" Ogorzalek

Description of Offenses: Floating around the premises trying to pwn at all things videogame related. He is a total poser.  Just look at him.

His pirahnas died and he bred 17 varieties of mold in their tank before he realized he was poisoning his new apartment building. Instead of donating the fish tank to science he now uses it as the worlds only "50 gallon bottle cap collection".

Removed his kitchen table to make room for the Allentown Classics Championship Title Round World Welterweight Pool Table. His total winnings include losing two beers to Brain Tooth the first week they owned the table. 

On the same fateful night that "Gary-Gares" got his car completely manhandled by some of Allentown's finest, Ryan also offered his car stereo to the thieves for the low payment of smashing one rear window. Ryan enjoyed the extra fresh air for several weeks.

Age: 25
Pets: 35 lb cat "Tiger" - deceased 
         Two pirahnas William Penn and the Quakers -  deceased
Looks Like: Errant lumberjack,

"He likes to party and I also like to party."