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Criminal
Profile:
Jake
(The Big "O") Ogorzalek
Description
of Offenses:
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Womanizer
(hey, isn't that my WIFE?!?) - Although happily dating a wonderful
woman named Janet (Jennifer?), I can't remember anymore, he floats
from one woman to the next in an ever-expanding circle of
destruction. As you can judge from the picture at the right, his
finely tuned body contains an ocean of testosterone that drags most
woman into its veritable rip-current of manliness.
-
Master
of Camouflage - As if his amazing looks and sex panther cologne
didn't already give him an unfair advantage in the wild, he cloaks
his body in "Northeastern Pennsylvania - Summertime"
fatigues in order to claim his side of the mountain from other
predators and to mark all of the ladies therein as his own.
-
1 time
winner of the Hermosa Beach Man-Off and Tricathalon Event - After
running 1/4 mile, swimming around an off-shore buoy and chugging 6
cans of Pennsylvanian hometown favorite, Yuengling, Jake has now
also finally dominated the entire West Coast. Congratulations, Jake,
on besting all man competition on two oceans.
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Criminal
Profile:
Kaleigh
"Jon-Jack" Lerner
Description
of Offenses: Self-proclaimed "Queen of the Faeries", this girl
needs more whoopins (Super-sized) than a basket of angry groundhogs!
Jon-Jack,
as she is known in certain circles, has been accused of trying to
encroach on the "Uncles' Only" couch, bossing her cohort in
crime, the Whirling Dervish, at every available chance (at her
convenience) annnnnd an occasional fart-sniff like Grammy.
Her cool
demeanor in the face of authority figures is calculated, risky, saucy,
sassy and several other adjectives.
Last seen
in the apprenticeship of one, Mr. Halibert, who poses as a school
teacher. Another known associate is Dr. Mandangles. Little is known of
these characters, but if they are hanging around Jon-Jack, trouble can
not be far away.
Age: 6 1/2
Favorite Clothes: Peanut Butter and Jelly Sammiches.
Method of Subjugation: Double-Judo Chops to the neck or neck areas (or
your back, or your face, or the back of your face)
Temperament: Sassy and Bossy
Dreams: Of being an Uncle when she grows up (Because everyone knows
Uncles are best).
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Criminal
Profile:
Maximus
"Whirling Dervish" Lerner
Description
of Offenses: Oh boy. This is going to be a long one....might as well
make a list (Santa, are you reading this??!)
1.
Squishing ferrets
2. Chasing grackle birds
3. skinny-dipping in the pool
4. giving uncles "Beef-stew"
5. running into walls
6. playing too close to fireworks
7. erasing uncles old videogame files
8. being bossed by Jon-Jack
9. playing air-guitar like a felon (see pic at right)
10. jumping hay bales in a single bound
11. wearing racing stripes so it looks like he could tear ass around the
back yard
12. Throwing things
13. Hitting things
14. Throwing and hitting things
15. Stomping around like a herd of elephants
16. bouncing, bouncing (endless bouncing!)
17. eating every piece of candy he can touch
18. eating every piece of candy that you can touch
19. staying awake at night
20. waking up uncles too early
21. hogging the trampoline
22. battling uncles for the king of the hill on the jungle gym
23. knowing every movie title from the last year
24. smackin' down suckas!
25. SAYING he's gonna "Smack you down, sucka!"
26. Showing people his gold tooth (Ting!)
Age: 6 or 90 he won't tell!
Favorite Dance: "Doin' the Worm!"
Hair Style: Tasty rock abs washerboard style
Picture quote: "Meedly, Meedly, Meeeeee!!"
Favorite villain: The Cheat
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